I still hate not knowing what's going to happen next though. am i really going to have to move back to fresno again, soon? i hate not knowing how i'm going to pay for anything. i hate not being able to tell people i live in fowler for fear they might tell my dad. i hate when people say that i'm mean for not talking to my dad. no no, i don't just hate it, i fucking hate it. i hate it when people jump to conclusions when they have no fucking idea what they're talking about. you make your son watch hardcore porn with you when they're in 6th grade, or wake your 12 year old son up at 1:00 in the morning on a school night to drive to the jensen overpass to get you some crack, or take your son to dinner only so after wards he can drive you to super motel 8 to go get a prostitute to bring home, or have strangers come into your house at all hours of the day and have them go into your room and shut your door for 2 days straight forcing your son to fend for himself. you do all that shit to your son and see that when he gets old enough to realize that that's not just not normal, but completely fucked up, you see if he wants to talk to you ever again. what the fuck are you thinking? what if those dozens of times i went to go get crack, the dood on jensen was like, this kid's only 12, let's shoot him, take his dad’s car and his $20. so fuck you. don't judge me. i'm alive right now cuz God was watching me, not my dad.
my dad's in a wheelchair and knows how to use it to his advantage. he knows how to make people feel sorry for him, but i'm so on to his games. just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean you can't do anything with your life. in fact, he has a friend who is the perfect example of that. his friend has a house, a car, and good paying job as a network administrator. my dad took 9 years to get a associates in information systems. something that's supposed to take 2, took my dad 9, so don't you think that if he spent so much time earning that that he'd do something with it? well you'd be wrong. he does absolutely nothing except lay in bed and live off of tax payers. he's a loser, a liar and a thief. he steals from the government and he steals from wal-mart. he's not allowed in a-mart because he steals from there too! i'm sorry but i have a daughter to look after now and i don't want her to be associated with someone like him in any way.
sorry live journal. sorry to do this you. i think i'm done.
dear live journal, i rarely update you anymore and when i do, i rarely vent about drama but there's so much shit going on right now and i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't care right now. i got a lot on my chest and i'm gonna let it all out. we'll start with the worst news. my wife's grandpa larry was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and on top of that has growths on his brain because of it. so what's my problem then? sure i don't know him that well, but my wife does. they know each other really well. they are very very close, in fact that whole family is. now that we know he doesn't have that long to live, it seems like the walls we've took so long to build are just crashing down before our eyes. on top of that, Raley women don't handle change well--especially change out of nowhere. my wife, my wife's mom, and my wife's grandma (larry's wife) all freak out really easy and have a family history of insomnia. if they're not worried about one thing, it's something else. they are a rare, but pure breed. there's no one else on this planet as innocent, honest, and selfless as those 3 women. they put family before anything and that's how they've always been. that makes it harder and now that this is happening completely out of nowhere, it feels like we're all running around like chickens without heads. it's really hard to see my wife like this. it kills me when she cries, and i hate when she can't sleep. it's complete and utter chaos and i wish there was something i could do, but my options are--well, who am i kidding, do i even have any options? the first on our list of worries is our daughter. on april 12th, 2007 our world no longer revolved around sarah and randy. we did everything based on what we thought was best for our daughter including take her all the way to fowler every morning to have her babysat by sarah's grandma. in fact, we just recently moved to fowler so we could save on gas now that it's nearing $5 a gallon. now i know for a fact that we need to find a new babysitter, and we need to find one now. but who? all of my family decided they didn't want to be part of my life anymore and moved out of fresno. there is no one in my family closer than an hour and half away, one way. are we going to pay for daycare? how? last weekend we just received a bill from our old apartment for $800 saying we owe them for all kinds of bull shit stuff. we put a fucking $1,000 down payment on that place, and not only are we not getting any of that back, but we owe them $800! can we use our $1,500 stimulus on that? no, because we gave it all up to move to freaking fowler. so now what are we supposed to do? is my wife supposed to quit her job so she can stay home with emma? are we going to have to live in a shack? is she going to have to get a night job? but where? and will it be worth it? if we start taking emma to a daycare, it's most likely going to be in fresno and cost no less than $200 a month which will defeat the whole purpose of us moving to fowler in the first place and would totally piss me off because it would've saved us a whole lot of time and money if we would've just stayed put. there's just so much shit right now, i don't know how i function. i fear i'm going to be staying up at night too. i wish i could make some extra money right now, but my computers so fucked up i can't even make a fucking website. i can't design. i can't make music videos. and i've been spoiled with good jobs so much that i don't wanna flip burgers. how am i supposed to pay those apartment people? how am i supposed to pay for a babysitter or daycare? how am i suppose to re-order brand new street team shirts so that the 50 people who gave me their money won't feel like i just fucking robbed them? why did my grandma who lives in texas go see my cousin who lives in arizona's baby be born, when here's my daughter already 14 months old and has yet to see her great grandma. She didn't come see her when she was born, and she didn't come to her 1st birthday party and I miss her so much we were so close. Besides my sister and my aunt, she's the only other one in my family who really cared about me and was always there to support me no matter what i wanted to do with my life. Why? Why am I at work right now and why am I gonna start fucking crying at my desk? this is really gay and i don't feel like dealing with people's shit right now. It's my own fault though. I'm such a people pleaser and I don't know how to say no sometimes. I just wanna go home, and stay home and sit down and figure all this shit out.